Believing in God- Old Post from early 2015

I recently came across several online articles in a search. The search was for my own curiosity regarding going to church. I had been an avid churchgoer since 2007 and had become very involved in numerous ministries- nursery, kids and teens church, young adults, women of faith, young women of faith, local missionaries, greeting, ushering, cleaning before and after service, etc. I loved being able to help in my community of believers. I learned so much about myself and who God is. I embraced the love of Jesus in every task given to me.  That all changed two years ago.

In 2013, I graduated from with a Bachelors in Financial Services and was immediately back in school (about a month after graduating) for a graduate certificate in Financial Analytics (fancy, I know). This type of success was great, except I was unemployed and broke. My landlord took me to court and tried to evict me for non payment of rent. This sort of thing happens all the time, unfortunately, but I never thought it could happen to me. I felt so unbalanced in this situation- what do I do? where do I go? who can help me? where's my next paycheck going to come from? is that money going to be enough? how do i bounce back from this? etc. I was plagued with worry, low self esteem as a 30 year old unmarried, single woman living on her own with no where else to go if I did get evicted.  I searched for work and spoke with people at my church. Although I spoke to many people that I looked up to, they couldn't help me out of my situation. I prayed, praised and worshiped God because I knew he would come through...I just didn't know when.

The going back and forth to court, to the Human Resources Affair Office (aka the welfare office in NYC) took a tremendous toll on me, emotionally and spiritually. I spoke with all my ministry leaders and told them that I was not able to perform my duties because I didn't feel spiritually right and I anticipated my return to ministry in the near future.  With that, my attendance faltered. Even as I showed up to service, I was late most of the time missing the awesome worship and the announcements. Many of those times I would come in listen to the sermon and head out before anyone knew I was there.  "Wow. What happened?" is probably running through your mind, even though I explained the eviction thing. You could see that there was more going on behind the scenes. There was...only that the missing church and showing up late continued well into 2014. But let me back track a bit so I could share some more details.

By mid 2013, I was sick and tired of my emotional and spiritual rut. God already revealed to me that the situation was already rectified by his mighty hand. A veteran supporting agency helped me with my rent arrears. The woman who interviewed me for the eligibility of the assistance spoke words that I had not heard or felt before- even when I spoke to members from my church family. She didn't know me and I could tell she was a believer who lived one foot in the church and the other in the world. I cried harder as she spoke to me because it was God who was speaking through her. My heart, which had previously been full of guilt, shame and sadness was beginning to empty itself out of grief as it welcomed the renewal of strength and peace granted by the Father (there's a verse that says in our (me and you) weakness, his (God) strength would be renewed. Amen!). It was amazing! This one situation of being almost homeless, was a horrible one for me and many other people. I was truly in despair and could not understand why this was happening to me. I figured it out, but that will be a different topic for another day.

Anyway, in September 2013, I decided to go out in the world and enjoy the life God has given me. I wanted to do things that for some strange reason intrigued me but I was too afraid to step out and do them. I joined a hiking meetup group and enjoyed several hikes. I joined several other meetup groups- mostly christian single groups, to be honest.  I looked for cool and interesting events and signed up for a website that promoted free and low priced events around the city.  For the first time in years, I was truly happy and living life to the fullest.  I even joined two popular online dating sites and went on a couple of dates.  It didn't even bother me when most of those first dates didn't move on to a second date- their loss. It seemed that life was good and I was ready to go back to church on a regular basis. So I thought.

Enter 2014, a new year, started to casually date a handsome man from a meetup event I attended back in December. I was still struggling with showing up on time, but I atleast made it to service. It felt good for me not to be under that bondage of shame and guilt from almost losing my home. But a new "state of emotion" took over. I felt more hardened and calloused. I was in no way losing faith in God or slacking in my bible time. I began the year with a resolution to have a daily devotional...a resolution that I am happily continuing as we enjoy the early days of 2015. I didn't see the church as a place for me to go anymore, however. I didn't care if I missed service from time to time. Worse yet, my church was experiencing a very tough time as a governing agency sought to destroy my pastors. By June 2014, the church I spiritually grew up was dismantled and I was finding myself taking an almost two hour journey to our new location somewhere in Queens. Then the church moved to a studio in midtown and again by the end of the summer moved to another location. They are currently at a newer location.

Let me clarify, there was no church split. There was no scandal that would rock the newspapers. The governing agency was acting on behalf of two jilted accountants who had been fired from the church because of their incompetence in church/non profit accounting. These two decided to create a fictitious scandal while illegally stealing banking information and emails from the pastors.  These lies were printed in a news article that got the attention of the governing agency and Attorney Generals office.  The church belonged to a church organization that decided to use us as a scapegoat and ultimately destroyed their "flagship" church. Their intentions were clear- use the current pastors as examples and let them hang out to dry. I'm glad to say that they didn't succeed in destroying my pastors lives. Instead, this situation pushed them to create a different type of community of believers. This new community is filled with a great number of people from the old "church," somewhat including me. The teachings remain the same from our wonderful pastor and the family is thriving.

Well, not everyone. I find myself not wanting to go back to church. I feel perfectly fine at home on Sundays or out doing something enjoyable. My love for Christ has not diminished. In fact, I prayed that if there is something wrong with me, that my Father please correct my thinking. I know that it is important to fellowship within a body of believers, but I am not willing to go back. I don't feel I belong to this new thing that they're doing. I am not connected to anyone anymore. There will be an update on this.

Boys on the 2 Train- Old Post

I left work late today. I was hungry and definitely feeling the low blood sugar surge through my body. I had skipped lunch, but had been drinking tea, water and had oatmeal about two hours before I left the office. Anyway, during my commute, a group of rowdy boys came on board the train. I tried to close my eyes and zone them out, but it was no use. They were loud, began wrestling each other and other shenanigans. Three types of emotions came over me- annoyance, why did they have to be so rowdy?  anger, why do they have to use such disgusting language?  and sadness.

Why sadness?  I got a glimpse of these boys and saw baby faces. All of them dressed in a school uniform- khakis and dress shoes, probably a collared shirt beneath their winter coats.  Two of them were very tall. You could easily mistake them for men, if they didn't speak to you. The sound of their voices gave away that they were hitting puberty.  They were all dark skinned.  When I got a glimpse of them, my annoyance and anger shifted immediately, but not at pity, but sadness. Any one of these boys could be my future sons, or my nephews, etc. Any one of these boys could end up like the unarmed teen who was shot in Ferguson, MI.

My God! Protect these children! Let no harm come to them! Let your angels guide them home safely! Let loving arms embrace them! Father, keep each one of them in your favor!

The real issue tugging at my heart and prompting the prayer revealed itself immediately on my walk home. We New Yorkers, have become jaded. We don't want to be in anyone's business and we don't want folks in ours. During our train rides to and from work, or wherever we're heading, we don't engage so we put on our headphones, turn the music up or "sleep" to drown out our surroundings. Ain't that something?  We decided to not correct someone else's kid because, he/she isn't our problem. That kid grows up and becomes a "menace" because they were mislead or misinformed and never shown healthy boundaries.  We then pass judgement and ask redundant questions: how is he/she so messed up?  where are their parents? etc.  Then in our righteousness, we think thoughts like this: they need to be removed from society...locked up...etc.  I'm pretty sure there are worse statements being said and posted on the internet somewhere.

Now, if you caught it, you'd have noticed I mentioned the boys on the train were all dark skinned. Yes, I said it. What does that have to do with anything?  A whole lot.  They're loud and disturbing conversation revealed that they struggled with school. One boy dissed another by stating "why is you a 16 years old and in the 9th grade?"  I wondered that, too, actually. Another boy mentioned, using colorful language of course, "how is you gonna go anywhere with those grades?" That one made me laugh inside out of humor.

These boys, each one of them were innocent and are a reflection of what society has encouraged. I don't know if I'll ever recognize them if we crossed path again, but I do know that they'll stay in my prayers for as long as necessary.

Abba Father! Show your mercy and grace on their lives! Let them see you and be in your presence. Let them not fall into folly and foolishness. Let favor and blessings fall on them! I pray right now that they will come to know you and your awesome plan for their lives. Let this young boys become men of honor and valor and not become a statistic. As black men, let them stand strong and defy the stereotypes. Amen.